Hey man, it's me! You know, that Detroit Pistons fan that watched you dump 48 points on the 'Goin to Work' Pistons in double overtime of Game 5 in the Eastern Conference Finals. But hey, that was seven years ago! I can't carry grudges for that long. You've probably forgotten about that game, anyway, considering all of the other accomplishments you've had since.
I heard today that you're opting out of your contract with the Miami Heat, which begs the question, when are you signing with the Pistons? Ok, let's not rush into things. But, seriously, you should consider it. Things are different here in Detroit, it's not like you remember it. Ben Wallace is somewhere drinking gin and tonics, and Richard Hamilton is hiding autographed hats around the city for fun. You see, since that 48-point game of yours, things have gone downhill at the Palace of Auburn Hills.
To start, nobody goes to the Palace of Auburn Hills. The Pistons have the lowest attendance percentage in the NBA, at 68 percent. You can literally hold a business meeting in section 121, and you'll never have to ask anyone around you to quiet down. Secondly, we've had six head coaches since then! I know you're next question, LeBron, how many GM's have we had? Yeah, here's the thing -- all of them were hired by the same guy -- Joe Dumars. But, good news, he's been...reassigned.
Since we're having this heart-to-heart, let me say this: the biggest reason you should sign with the Pistons -- we really need you. I don't think I can take anymore Brandon Jennings 3-pointers, and seriously, have you seen Kyle Singler's hair? Think about it -- you have some good players here, already. Andre Drummond is one of the best young centers in the NBA, Josh Smith can be good, if you tell him to be good, and Greg Monroe (if he stays) is one of the most underrated bigs in the league.
Look, yes, it's going to be a lot of work -- but do you really think people will compare you with Michael Jordan if you keep teaming up with superstars to win championships? Detroit offers you the opportunity to start over -- and build YOUR team. You have the ability to make other players better, and we need better players. But even more than that, you could lift up a city that seriously needs some lifting up. Even though the Pistons don't play in Detroit, they still represent the city, and as Detroit sports fans know best, our daily moods are often set by how well our favorite sports teams are playing.
And really, how funny would it be to sign with the city that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert is working to revitalize. Actually, forget everything I just said -- for that reason only, you should sign with the Detroit Pistons. I'll be refreshing my Twitter feed often, waiting for the news to break.
Willing to forgive you for Game 5,